


When You Love All Your Group Members That Are Couples But Since It’s An Odd Number No One Loves You

by ImDyingLeaveMeAlone



Category: JJCC (Band)
Genre: Angst fic, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 19:16:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5882401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImDyingLeaveMeAlone/pseuds/ImDyingLeaveMeAlone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simba really loves the members of JJCC. The problem is he doesn't feel loved himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When You Love All Your Group Members That Are Couples But Since It’s An Odd Number No One Loves You

**Author's Note:**

> Here's one for all you Simba stans out there! Because nothing is nicer than reading about your fave being emotionally destroyed!
> 
> I actually really loved writing this, so I hope you all enjoy!

Everybody in JJCC had a boyfriend who was in JJCC. Joonyoung had Hadon.  Eddy had Henry, no matter how much Henry joked and pretended he was a lonely fucker in need of a girlfriend.  There was Chanyul and Daehwan, who had been together for god knows how long before even joining JJCC.  Then there was Youngjin, who had no one and everyone, in his own way.

Youngjin loved his group members.  Truly.  Only, as he wasn’t part of any of the couples nor in a relationship with anyone himself, he couldn’t afford to show how much he loved them.  But love them he did.

It was hard enough to explain it to himself, let alone tell anyone else.  How can you say to your friends and roommates, I love seeing you guys be affectionate?  That I get butterflies myself when I catch all of you cuddling, or exchanging intimate looks?  That when I hear you fucking through the walls of my room at night I get hard and have to take care of myself by imagining you’re letting me watch?  No, these are not the things one admits to their 6 good friends.  That they live and work with.

And that hurt him.

Youngjin wished he could tell them; tell anyone.  Wished it with all his might.  Then it would hurt so much less.  It broke his heart, it was so hard being so alone when he was surrounded by his loved ones.  He was literally hard being the one left out.  But he had to keep it all inside.  Most of the time he kept his cool; kept his longing under wraps.  Sometimes strain shone through the cracks.

One such day the other members could tell something was up was when he was fooling around with Zica.  Both being huge anime nerds and socially awkward children had warmed the boys to each other, and they were some of the friendliest in the group.  They were playing videogames, a standard 1v1 fighting game, and they were kept pretty even.  Simba kept jabbing Daehwan in the ribs with elbows, who would return the favor, laughing as they rough housed both on the screen and on the couch.

They were starting another round when Yul came into the room, looking decidedly upset.  Youngjin paused the game as Daehwan put his controller down to pull his boyfriend onto the couch.

“Yullie what’s wrong?” Daehwan’s tone was concerned and affectionate.

“There were _children_ out while Eddy and I went shopping.”

Youngjin laughed at this, amused by Chanyul’s awkwardness around smaller humans.  He was silenced by a strange look from Daehwan.  “Tell us the rest, Chanyul.”

“Okay.  So we were looking for shoes right?  Eddy arguing about the merits of some brand with a salesperson when I felt this tug on my leg.  It was a little girl.  She had these sticky little fingers from candy, and she wanted help putting her own shoes back on.  None of the adults seemed to be watching her like a parent and Eddy and the salesperson were still going at it, so I had to help the thing.  She kept trying to hug me and shit it was awful, I pushed her away 3 times before her mom stopped talking and came to gather her.  And she was all sweet and nice and thanked me.  Didn’t even apologize for her spawn.  It was awful.”

Youngjin had to hold in a laugh.  He and Daehwan were the best with kids, but Yul looked sincerely distressed by this encounter.

“Aw poor babe.”

“Yeah I am.”

“No I meant the child.”

Chanyul scrunched his face and gently smacked Zica in admonition.  He kept playfully smacking him as Daehwan brought his hands up to cup his face.  Chanyul was stopped when their lips met, their kiss surprisingly sweet.

Simba’s heart stuttered, and he brought his arms up to hold himself.  They were so cute, eyes softly closed as their lips moved together with their hands intertwined.  He just… was so there for that.  He smiled slightly watching them, warmth spreading from his heart.  They were an attractive couple.  He had been so happy after they had joined JJCC, and had slowly come to trust him and explain their relationship.  Then the warmth turned to something dark, and a sour taste filled his mouth.  They would never trust him fully, not the way he needed.  They’d never understand or return his feelings.  No one ever would.

When Chanyul and Daehwan kept kissing, and his eyes began burning more than his crotch, Youngjin knew he had to get out.  He couldn’t breathe.  He couldn’t feel.  Didn’t want to feel.  He abruptly stood, throwing his own controller onto his vacated seat, and left the room without a backwards glance.

Thus he didn’t notice the look Chanyul and Daehwan exchanged as he left, partially confused and partially disappointed.

In his room, Youngjin threw himself onto his bed.  With a deep sigh he tried to let go of some of his stressed feelings.  There was a tension in his body that Youngjin hated.  He just wanted to feel normal again.  He knew the best way to get rid of these feelings would be to watch his favourite movie.  It never failed to satisfy.

The soothing opening song of _The Lion King_ worked it’s magic on Youngjin, hiding under the blankets on his bed and watching the movie on his computer.  He took comfort watching the plight of his namesake. If Simba could go through so much and end up finding himself, becoming a kick ass leader in the process, then there was no reason he couldn’t be a good leader.  No one was trying to kill him at least.  He didn’t envy Simba that, though he did envy him being the strongest male lion.   _That_ Simba got to fuck his pride, so why couldn’t he fuck his?  Because they were humans and his “pride” would be disgusted and outcast him if he ever let on what he desired.  And he didn’t have a Timone and Pumba to run away to.

Suddenly the small reflection of peace he had found was shattered as that sunk in.  He would never get to reveal his true feelings.  He would never get to fall asleep between Prince and Eddy.  He’d never get to spend quiet evenings with Hadon and Joonyoung, cuddling and exchanging kisses.  He’d never get to wake up with Chanyul and Daehwan, hug them or hold their hands while they watched movies and hung out around the house.

Youngjin wiped a few tears away and sniffled, throwing the blankets off himself to get some air.  He tried to focus on the movie again, on lion Simba’s struggle, when Eddy came into their room.

“Bro are you watching Lion King _again_? Man, you gotta get a girlfriend!”

Simba’s defensive retort died in his throat at that.  He didn’t want a girlfriend, he wanted his fucking friends.  He wanted _to fuck_ his friends.

In lieu of an answer, he shut his computer and set it on the floor.  Eddy went to the door after grabbing a few things from a dresser.  “Hey, I’m going to sleep in Henry’s room tonight bro.  Have a good one.”

“Night buddy.”  Simba rolled over to the stare at the wall till his eyes burned, tormented by the sounds carried through the walls of what he wanted but could never had.  It was many hours later before he finally fell asleep, never stirring.

The next morning, Simba was the last down to breakfast.  He had slept fitfully once he fell asleep.  He still felt a great sorrow in his heart, but he was determined not to show it.

Sliding into his chair, his greasy hair was ruffled by an immaculate E.co.  “I love your bed head Youngjin, you look so cute all ruffled in the mornings.”

Youngjin couldn’t bring himself to move away from the contact, so he smiled wide instead as his elder continued.  “Now if only our kids looked half as cute as you in the mornings, the stylists wouldn’t hate us so much.”

Simba chuckled as Hadon cracked open a crusty eyelid to glare at Joonyoung from where he was resting his head on the table.  “I think I may be adopted.”

Eddy snorted into his water at that comment.  The running joke was Youngjin and Joonyoung were their parents, because they acted like it being the leader and the eldest member respectively.

Youngjin usually loved the comparison, loved the affirmation he was part of the family and they were part of his, but today it fell flat.  He simply shrugged, leaning away from the table.  “You probably were.”

Joonyoung laughed and clapped his hands at this, reaching over to link their arms.  Youngjin just looked down, unmoving.

“Your father is in a bad mood today it seems children.”

“Aw dad don’t be like that.  I’m happy to take after your side of the family.”  Hadon sat up and reached around Joonyoung to grasp Youngjin’s shoulder firmly.

Youngjin smiled slightly and looked up, glad for the contact from their youngest member, feeling a bittersweet pleasure that both of the couple were touching him so nicely.

Trying to keep his voice even he replied, “You probably take after me more than your mom.  Not everyone can be perfect all the time Joonyoung.”

Youngjin’s heart almost stopped when Joonyoung leaned over to place a loud wet kiss on his cheek.

He stood abruptly, causing his chair to topple down.  Righting the chair and moving away from the table he called back, “Since I slept in I have to hurry.  We all have a busy day ahead of us guys.  You should wrap it up.”   He left them sitting there, Eddy and Prince carrying on as if Youngjin always made a scene leaving the table (he did but usually in a funny way and not a semi upset weird way), Joonyoung and Hadon looking at each other questioningly, and Daehwan and Chanyul each looking after him with pity in their eyes.

His real reason for leaving the table notwithstanding, they really did have a busy day ahead of them.  They were scheduled to both work out and learn a fuckton of new choreography, dancing for hours on end.

Usually Youngjin danced well, was rarely critiqued or teased by Prince during practice.  Today though he could not seem to get it together.  He would do well partway through, but then he’d see the way Prince smirked at Eddy’s ass, or the way Chanyul smiled and tried to help Daehwan, or the way Joonyoung would lean into Hadon during their breaks, and his heart would ache, his breath catch, his limbs seize, and he’d fall out of step or just plain fall.  Eddy soon grew tired of translating Prince’s rants for him and they simply worked around Youngjin, their obvious concern for him just making things worse.

Youngjin knew if this was affecting his dancing it was affecting his career and it would have to end soon.  He couldn’t live in this constant state of hopeful, painful attraction, physically and emotionally.  He had to be a good leader.  If Youngjin couldn’t be comforted how he wanted, he’d just have to accept it and move on.  He didn’t want to hurt his family, with his feelings or with being a poor performer.

Having realized all of this mid Mak-rant, the ride home was a somber one for Youngjin.  He just didn’t have it in him to keep going like this.  The others sensed his off-ness and left him alone, joking amongst themselves until they reaches their dorm.  Eddy grasped Youngjin’s forearm as they moved out of the van.

“Bro, I know it was hard day for you but don’t let it get you down like this.  We’ve all been there, you’ll be fine tomorrow.  And I’m going to sleep with Prince again tonight so you’ll be sure to get a good rest.  I don’t know what’s up with you, but that should help.”

“Uh, thanks Eddy.”  It was all Youngjin could do not to crumble into Eddy’s strong arms and beg him to stay with him, admit he didn’t want to be alone, he never wanted to be alone like he was.

Eddy smiled and gave his arm a last squeeze before running ahead to where Henry was, swatting his butt as he passed him, inciting a race to Prince’s room.

Simba continued dejectedly to his room.  He was exhausted in all the ways it counted.  Not even bothering to undress, he collapsed onto his bed and immediately felt his dark feelings turn to drowsiness and overtake him.

It was only a few hours later when he was woken by his torment loving traitorous body.  He woke with a partial erection, confused as to why, and what he was hearing.  After a few minutes of angrily attempting to will his ears deaf and his boner away, it finally registered to Youngjin what he was hearing.

Moans.

Loud moans too, to wake him through shared walls.  Youngjin sighed as he recognized Prince’s dumb sex laugh.  He jolted up when he heard a loud bang and shout from the not-Prince’s-wall.  That noise was in fact from the Joonyoung-and-Hadon-wall.

“Oh fuck me if they are doing _this_ again.”

Some nights, when one couple was being too loud, the other would try to be louder, probably to discourage the other.  Unfortunately everyone was fairly competitive in their group, so rather than quiet down, an unspoken agreement that whoever fucked the loudest and longest won the night was formed.  During most of these occurrences Youngjin was overjoyed, but tonight, after all that happened these last few days, he was overwhelmed.

Frantic and distraught, he felt all his repressed emotions bubbling to the surface.  Tearing away from the sounds of pleasure originating from his housemates, Youngjin grabbed his housecoat as he went to find an escape in another part of the house.  The only problem being he had nowhere to go where he would be neither noticed nor heard by the other members, Daehwan and Chanyul especially.

There really were only two options for him.  Roof or car.  Both had their merits.  He could make it to the roof without alerting anyone else, and it was quite private.  Unfortunately they weren’t having the balmiest weather lately.  Crying in the cold rain may be too much of a cliché.  His other option, the car, merited shelter and better lent itself to privacy.  The only drawback was that he would have to pass through the living room to get there, the living room where Daehwan and Chanyul slept (and were probably fucking in).

In the singular moment he had to decide after opening his door, Youngjin decided that he would rather collapse in comfort and risk interference than get sick from being on the roof.  Clamping his hands to his mouth to stifle his early sobs, he left his door open and bolted towards the front door.

It appeared that Daehwan and Chanyul were sleeping when Youngjin made it to the living room.  It even looked as if they were spooning.  Youngjin let out a low bellow of pain at the sight, quickly moving away again.  At the door he grabbed the keys and stuffed his feet haphazardly into the nearest shoes, attempted to silently shut the door behind him before racing to the vehicle, throwing open the door to the back and hurling himself inside.

It was small and dark and claustrophobic in the vehicle, a match for his mood.  He let out a small scream as the tears finally came in earnest and he closed himself in against the world.  Finally he cried.  He cried for his bruised heart, never getting the chance to be broken.  He cried for his members, never knowing his feelings and having to work around an incompetent leader.  He cried for his future, certain to be painful and awkward and lonely.  He cried for himself, never being with the ones he loved, never being loved.

Big, fat tears were rolling down his face as he clutched at himself, unconsciously attempting to keep himself physically together as mentally and emotionally he was torn to shreds.  His lungs and abs burned from so many wracking sobs.

He felt, defeated, destroyed, completely useless.  His head pounded as he found he couldn’t stop crying; the flood would not abate.  Youngjin screamed again, an agonized sound dulled by the acoustics in the vehicle.  He punched the seat and buried his face where his hand hit, tears and snot immediately absorbed as the source produced more and more.

He was so caught up in his grief he didn’t register what it meant when he heard a metallic click and felt a rush of cold air.  It was refreshing enough to poor Youngjin, it revitalized him enough to think to look up, hiccoughing as these new sensations caused his bawling to lessen.

Then it was a flurry of limbs, soft touches and gentle voices, and suddenly he was being cradled and caressed, held lovingly between Daehwan and Chanyul.

“Shhh Youngjin, shhhhh, it’ll be okay.” Daehwan’s deep voice rumbled pleasantly from his chest, on which now rested Youngjin’s head.

This was huge contrast from the previous atmosphere of despair.  It was so nice, so unexpectedly loving as Yul leaned forward to pet his head soothingly, Youngjin broke down yet again.  This time he cried out with less pain, but with much more sorrow.  

Neither Daehwan nor Chanyul said anything after that, merely holding their leader close as he lost the rest of his composure.  Youngjin felt bad for having woke them, but knew there was no changing it.

The sat together like that for what seemed like forever to Youngjin. When he finally had worn himself down to hyperventilating interspersed with moans, when he had emptied the last of his tear ducts, Youngjin raised his pounding head and saw through swollen eyes that it was still dark out, no hint of dawn on the horizon like he had thought.

He honestly didn’t know what to say.  He still couldn’t admit his feelings, which meant he couldn’t confide in his consolers or explain why he had been upset.  He didn’t feel as if he could lie or pass it off as something else either.  He didn’t know what to say.

Daehwan and Chanyul did know what to say.

Prompting Youngjin to sit up, Daehwan kept his arms around their leader as Yul grasped his hands.

“Youngjin, we think we know what this is all about.” Yul began.  “We don’t want to make you uncomfortable talking about it, but it seems like it’s destroying you hyung-nim.”

Youngjin looked down at their clasped hands, brow furrowed, uncomfortable, afraid to hope, afraid to confirm anything.

“Youngjin, we’ve seen the way you watch everyone else.  The way you light up with joy.  Your physical reactions.”

Youngjin tried to pull away, to curl in on himself at Daehwan’s even tone.  As he tried Chanyul’s hand tightened around his own and Daehwan jostled him in his arms.

“It’s okay, Youngjin, it’s okay.  We understand.”

Somehow fresh tears were in Youngjin’s eyes.  “NO! You can’t understand, you don’t!  You can’t you don’t you don’t!” his voice was a hoarse croak but there was passion behind it. “No one knows how I feel, how agonizing it is.”

Chanyul’s voice was quiet.  “You feel love Youngjin.  You feel love for all of us, individually, as couples, as a group.  You love us.”

“It doesn’t have to hurt Youngjin.”  Daehwan’s voice was equally soft.  “You don’t have to bottle it up and hide it, you can tell us, because we all love you.”

Youngjin started, taking a breath to tell them no, they don’t love him like he needs to be loved, but he was silenced by the feeling of Daehwan’s lips pressed into his hair.  There were tears in Chanyul’s eyes as he looked at both of them.

“ _We_ love you, Youngjin.  All you ever had to do was ask, or say _anything_ really.  Hell, you know what Joonyoung is like and how willing Hadon is.  I was surprised you weren’t with them already.”

Youngjin let out a shaky laugh, still pained, not trusting what he was hearing, what Chanyul was saying.

“Youngin, _all you ever had to do was ask_ ,” Daehwan echoed. “So we are going to pretend you crying is equivalent to you asking.  We love you.  We want to be with you, just as we know you want to be with us.”

Chanyul chimed in with smile.  “Sure, we can’t know exactly how it’s all going to work out, but we will discover that as we move forward.  That’s how Dae and I started.  That’s how all these relationships started.”

“We’d love to have you with us Youngjin, if that’s what you want.  And it’s okay to want that.”

One last tear trailed down Youngjin’s cheek as his face contorted painfully, not in a distraught grimace, but finally in a smile.  “Chanyul, Daehwan, that’s all I want.  It’s all I want, to love you guys.”

Chanyul pressed a soft kiss to Youngjin’s face, capturing that last tear.  “Then let’s head back in. Why don’t you sleep with us tonight?”

Youngjin could only nod and smile, sparing his voice in his exhaustion after 180-ing his emotions.  He was too drained now, but he knew from the small warm glow in his heart he would he brimming with joy tomorrow.  If Chanyul and Daehwan were right, the future would finally be good to him; it wasn’t so bleak after all.

For now all he wanted was to finally, finally fall asleep in the arms of his loved ones, knowing, _trusting_ , that he was loved back.


End file.
